Cancer is a fucking asshole

Sorry to any youngsters who might be reading this. I haven't written an angry blog yet...I have been good at talking myself out of it I guess...

I hate you cancer and all that you have done to me.

I am someone who used to never take meds. Today I looked at my giant zip lock bag full of meds and want to throw them. Then I started thinking about how it is time to get my steroid and nausea meds refilled because starting Monday it will be time to start taking steroids for my final chemo treatment. You might think that I would be happy that this will be my last treatment but instead I got mad. Mad for so many reasons. Mad that now instead of just three days of crying and feeling anxious and nervous and not being able to sleep and stressed it's six days of that. I am mad that it's time do go through chemo again. I keep wanting to say that I refuse to do it again but I know I can't do that.

I hate all of the roller coaster of feelings. Feelings of being embarrassed to let people see me with out my hair. I know I felt comfortable a few weeks ago but I guess that has changed. I hate getting my breast pumped up because then for two weeks my breast is practically in my neck. So, wearing a fitting shirt looks ridiculous. I hate trying to deal with all of the other shit going on in my life yet trying to make "getting better" a priority. That's not really possible. So, to me, this cancer is really just an inconvenience. I keep thinking that and waiting for this to happen for a reason or to be a gift or to happen to me because you don't get more than you can handle. Maybe someday I will see it that way but definitely not now.

The last time I went to the pharmacy to get my nausea meds refilled I got mad, too. My doctor gave me a prescription for thirty pills but apparently my insurance only covers twelve at a time. I told the pharmacist that whoever decided that only twelve pills could be covered at a time must never have had chemo.

I keep wanting to know what is next. I guess I will find this out when I meet with my Oncologist on Wednesday. Do I take Tamoxifen for five years and then talk about being "thrown" into early menopause? What does being "thrown" into early menopause mean? What will they do to "throw" me into early menopause? Will I not have my period for five years while taking Tamoxifen? And so on.

When it gets so overwhelming and I feel like I am going to loose it I think of my latest mantra: I am doing this for Daphne...doing this for Daphne...doing this for Daphne.

Chemo round # 3!

I am just about to finish up my third round of Chemo! Yay!

I have started my list of cancer perks. Here it is:

1. Getting free massages from wellness centers and Thousand Waves spa! Haven't used them yet but will!

2. Free therapy. Who doesn't need that?

3. When I was admitted to the hospital I was in an isolation room so I had my own room. Nice.

4. Free parking (when I was admitted to the hospital. I parked overnight for free)!

5. Complimentary new bra. Bras are so uncomfortable now with my breast still being sore and my arm is still sore from the surgery. So, once I have my new breast complete I will get fit for a new bra.

6. Make up. A few weeks ago I went to a make up seminar through Gilda's Club. I was the lesbian who wouldn't put on the make up because "people would see me" when I left. It was cute though. I wish I could have filmed it. I hate to say it but it is a sketch waiting to happen. I now have a new bag of free make up!

7. Wig. I went to the American Cancer Society in Evanston last week and got a free wig. It was fun.

8. No shaving! This one might need to be moved up to one of the top ones! Shaved legs a month ago and have just a little bit of stubble. Yippie for me and summer time!

9. No periods. Well, right now my ovaries don't know what is going on yet but my doc says that my period will stop for a while. If you know me - you know I hate periods and shaving so fluke? Yes or no. You tell me.

10. Which should probably be my number one but I am not there yet...I have realized that our bodies are pretty f-ing amazing! Arm heals. Breast skin expands. Body rejuvenates. In December I couldn't get up out of bed by myself for a week. I couldn't take off or put on my shirt or tie my shoes. I couldn't hold my daughter! I am not where I want to be yet but am keepin' the faith that I will be playing softball in a month.

I started a new term at Second City this past Monday and I could play Kitty wants a corner! Eight weeks ago I could not. It was that game this past Monday that made me smile and tear up. I have been wanting to feel normal for so long.

It was then that I also realized that I don't need that to feel normal. Monday night was also when I got sick of being afraid to be in public without a hat or a scarf. I was always ducking out to the bathroom to change from my winter cap to a scarf or just letting me head freeze in a scarf from the car to where ever I was going. I like the scarves and hats but I was tired of hiding behind them. I want to wear them because I WANT to not because I don't want anyone to know I have cancer.

I didn't get an allergic reaction this time to the chemo!

Talk soon.

Judy

Since my last post

Hi. This past Monday I had another breast expansion. One more fill up and the two will match! Very exciting.

I added more pictures to my slide show. If you are curious to see what my fake breast looks like then check it out. If not, don't look.

I have Chemo this Wednesday again. I am kind of mad that it's that time again. I am over it. Even though it's every three weeks it seems like it's every week. My doc is having me take steroids two extra days around my chemo in hopes that that will help me to not have another allergic reaction. So, that means two extra days of crying. On the plus side I am going to work out this time around to see if I bulk up at all. Fingers crossed.

I went to the American Cancer Society this past Friday to get a free wig. It was fun! i went from being embarrassed to feeling like cancer girl to having fun. I laughed a lot. I think it was the most I laughed about cancer since I was diagnosed. It was a much needed laugh.

Talk to you all soon.

Judy