Cancer is a fucking asshole

Sorry to any youngsters who might be reading this. I haven't written an angry blog yet...I have been good at talking myself out of it I guess...

I hate you cancer and all that you have done to me.

I am someone who used to never take meds. Today I looked at my giant zip lock bag full of meds and want to throw them. Then I started thinking about how it is time to get my steroid and nausea meds refilled because starting Monday it will be time to start taking steroids for my final chemo treatment. You might think that I would be happy that this will be my last treatment but instead I got mad. Mad for so many reasons. Mad that now instead of just three days of crying and feeling anxious and nervous and not being able to sleep and stressed it's six days of that. I am mad that it's time do go through chemo again. I keep wanting to say that I refuse to do it again but I know I can't do that.

I hate all of the roller coaster of feelings. Feelings of being embarrassed to let people see me with out my hair. I know I felt comfortable a few weeks ago but I guess that has changed. I hate getting my breast pumped up because then for two weeks my breast is practically in my neck. So, wearing a fitting shirt looks ridiculous. I hate trying to deal with all of the other shit going on in my life yet trying to make "getting better" a priority. That's not really possible. So, to me, this cancer is really just an inconvenience. I keep thinking that and waiting for this to happen for a reason or to be a gift or to happen to me because you don't get more than you can handle. Maybe someday I will see it that way but definitely not now.

The last time I went to the pharmacy to get my nausea meds refilled I got mad, too. My doctor gave me a prescription for thirty pills but apparently my insurance only covers twelve at a time. I told the pharmacist that whoever decided that only twelve pills could be covered at a time must never have had chemo.

I keep wanting to know what is next. I guess I will find this out when I meet with my Oncologist on Wednesday. Do I take Tamoxifen for five years and then talk about being "thrown" into early menopause? What does being "thrown" into early menopause mean? What will they do to "throw" me into early menopause? Will I not have my period for five years while taking Tamoxifen? And so on.

When it gets so overwhelming and I feel like I am going to loose it I think of my latest mantra: I am doing this for Daphne...doing this for Daphne...doing this for Daphne.