Cancer is a fucking asshole

Sorry to any youngsters who might be reading this. I haven't written an angry blog yet...I have been good at talking myself out of it I guess...

I hate you cancer and all that you have done to me.

I am someone who used to never take meds. Today I looked at my giant zip lock bag full of meds and want to throw them. Then I started thinking about how it is time to get my steroid and nausea meds refilled because starting Monday it will be time to start taking steroids for my final chemo treatment. You might think that I would be happy that this will be my last treatment but instead I got mad. Mad for so many reasons. Mad that now instead of just three days of crying and feeling anxious and nervous and not being able to sleep and stressed it's six days of that. I am mad that it's time do go through chemo again. I keep wanting to say that I refuse to do it again but I know I can't do that.

I hate all of the roller coaster of feelings. Feelings of being embarrassed to let people see me with out my hair. I know I felt comfortable a few weeks ago but I guess that has changed. I hate getting my breast pumped up because then for two weeks my breast is practically in my neck. So, wearing a fitting shirt looks ridiculous. I hate trying to deal with all of the other shit going on in my life yet trying to make "getting better" a priority. That's not really possible. So, to me, this cancer is really just an inconvenience. I keep thinking that and waiting for this to happen for a reason or to be a gift or to happen to me because you don't get more than you can handle. Maybe someday I will see it that way but definitely not now.

The last time I went to the pharmacy to get my nausea meds refilled I got mad, too. My doctor gave me a prescription for thirty pills but apparently my insurance only covers twelve at a time. I told the pharmacist that whoever decided that only twelve pills could be covered at a time must never have had chemo.

I keep wanting to know what is next. I guess I will find this out when I meet with my Oncologist on Wednesday. Do I take Tamoxifen for five years and then talk about being "thrown" into early menopause? What does being "thrown" into early menopause mean? What will they do to "throw" me into early menopause? Will I not have my period for five years while taking Tamoxifen? And so on.

When it gets so overwhelming and I feel like I am going to loose it I think of my latest mantra: I am doing this for Daphne...doing this for Daphne...doing this for Daphne.

Chemo round # 3!

I am just about to finish up my third round of Chemo! Yay!

I have started my list of cancer perks. Here it is:

1. Getting free massages from wellness centers and Thousand Waves spa! Haven't used them yet but will!

2. Free therapy. Who doesn't need that?

3. When I was admitted to the hospital I was in an isolation room so I had my own room. Nice.

4. Free parking (when I was admitted to the hospital. I parked overnight for free)!

5. Complimentary new bra. Bras are so uncomfortable now with my breast still being sore and my arm is still sore from the surgery. So, once I have my new breast complete I will get fit for a new bra.

6. Make up. A few weeks ago I went to a make up seminar through Gilda's Club. I was the lesbian who wouldn't put on the make up because "people would see me" when I left. It was cute though. I wish I could have filmed it. I hate to say it but it is a sketch waiting to happen. I now have a new bag of free make up!

7. Wig. I went to the American Cancer Society in Evanston last week and got a free wig. It was fun.

8. No shaving! This one might need to be moved up to one of the top ones! Shaved legs a month ago and have just a little bit of stubble. Yippie for me and summer time!

9. No periods. Well, right now my ovaries don't know what is going on yet but my doc says that my period will stop for a while. If you know me - you know I hate periods and shaving so fluke? Yes or no. You tell me.

10. Which should probably be my number one but I am not there yet...I have realized that our bodies are pretty f-ing amazing! Arm heals. Breast skin expands. Body rejuvenates. In December I couldn't get up out of bed by myself for a week. I couldn't take off or put on my shirt or tie my shoes. I couldn't hold my daughter! I am not where I want to be yet but am keepin' the faith that I will be playing softball in a month.

I started a new term at Second City this past Monday and I could play Kitty wants a corner! Eight weeks ago I could not. It was that game this past Monday that made me smile and tear up. I have been wanting to feel normal for so long.

It was then that I also realized that I don't need that to feel normal. Monday night was also when I got sick of being afraid to be in public without a hat or a scarf. I was always ducking out to the bathroom to change from my winter cap to a scarf or just letting me head freeze in a scarf from the car to where ever I was going. I like the scarves and hats but I was tired of hiding behind them. I want to wear them because I WANT to not because I don't want anyone to know I have cancer.

I didn't get an allergic reaction this time to the chemo!

Talk soon.

Judy

Since my last post

Hi. This past Monday I had another breast expansion. One more fill up and the two will match! Very exciting.

I added more pictures to my slide show. If you are curious to see what my fake breast looks like then check it out. If not, don't look.

I have Chemo this Wednesday again. I am kind of mad that it's that time again. I am over it. Even though it's every three weeks it seems like it's every week. My doc is having me take steroids two extra days around my chemo in hopes that that will help me to not have another allergic reaction. So, that means two extra days of crying. On the plus side I am going to work out this time around to see if I bulk up at all. Fingers crossed.

I went to the American Cancer Society this past Friday to get a free wig. It was fun! i went from being embarrassed to feeling like cancer girl to having fun. I laughed a lot. I think it was the most I laughed about cancer since I was diagnosed. It was a much needed laugh.

Talk to you all soon.

Judy

Chemo Chemo!

Ah. Almost done with round number two! This time around I had an allergic reaction and some other side effects from the chemo. My doctor said it was the Taxotere and possibly the steroids.

I woke up at 4:30am on Friday with my eyes swollen shut. I could not open them. So, I had to rinse my eyes with warm water to get get them to open. My eye lids were puffy and swollen. The whites of my eyes were completely red. My eyes were super watery and I had gunk in them constantly. I had a lot of pressure behind my eyes. My cheeks were bright red and felt like they were on fire (my doctor said that was from the Steroids).

They are still this way today. My doctor said to just monitor the symptoms and to let them know if I get a temperature or have shortness of breath. I don't know how long I will be like this or if it will get worse each chemo round or if this means that they will have to modify what they give me next time. I have no idea. I am going to call in tomorrow to see if there is anything I can do about my eyes. Ah! The fun never ends.

Judy

Chemo brain

Today I had my second dose of Chemo. I met with my Oncologist before hand. My counts are back to normal! Yay! He said that it sounds like my first round of Chemo went well so I thought I should believe him. He also said that he wants to wait on giving me a shot to boost my white blood counts. He said that I could still get a fever again because my counts will still go down low but that the shot would help bring the counts back up 24-48 hours sooner and one side effect is bone pain so he does not want to do that to me. So he is not recommending it at this time. I am ok with that because I have been having muscle aches and joint pain and that is annoying enough.

I have been noticing that I can not focus and remember words as much as I used to (no jokes please)! When I was telling the nurse about it this morning she said that around the hospital they call that "Chemo brain". Here are a few examples:

1. While on break yesterday at the After School Matters H.S. program I teach at I walked into and used the boys bathroom and didn't notice until the end of class when I went to the bathroom again with my co-teacher and followed her and saw that it was not the same bathroom I had used an hour ago. No! There were no urinals in the boys bathroom. Just stalls. The security guard looked at me funny on my way it but I was just paranoid that he could tell that my breasts were uneven or that he wondered if I had cancer because I was wearing a scarf.

2. That same day a few hours earlier I was pulling into a gas station. You know how there are usually two entrances and a curb between those two entrances? Well, I know that you are supposed to use the entrance not the curb...but next thing I know I am driving right into the curb. Not going up and over. Just right into the curb. Of course there is oncoming traffic but I had to reverse then drive the wrong way down the road a few feet in order to use this said entrance that I was supposed to use in the first place. I wanted to apologize to the driver by pointing at my bald head mouthing "cancer" but too many other cars were coming so I didn't

3. This morning on the way to Chemo. I started heading to my plastic surgeons office instead of the hospital. They are about twenty minutes apart from each other. You get off at Barrington Rd. off of the Kennedy but the Plastic Surgeon you go South and the hospital you go North.

4. My mom had to walk me from the Oncologist office to the Ambulatory Care unit instead of returning to work because I could not remember at all where Ambulatory Care was.

5. All night tonight I kept asking my students, "Did we do play this game already?" Sadly, half of the time their answer was yes.

I am sure the list goes on and on ... I blame the steroids! Today someone told me that they wished they had drank as much coffee as I had today. I did not have any coffee today!

Will write again soon.

Lots of love.

Judy

Plastic Surgeon meeting

This past Friday I got another 60 cc's injected into my right breast. Dr. B said that he will inject me another two or three more times to get it to match the other breast and then he will do two or three more injections because they want to stretch the skin more than they need to just to be on safe side.

Round two of Chemo tomorrow

Hi. I have my second round of Chemo coming up tomorrow. I am dreading it because I am not looking forward to getting sick again. People have been saying that the first round is the worst because you don't know what to expect. Now that I know what to expect I find that I am still afraid. The good news is that after tomorrow I can say that I am half way done with my Chemo. Ah. The games I play with my head to get through this. Fun.

I have added some new pictures to my slide show of my hair as it is now. Most of my hair falls out in the shower so I am guessing that in two more showers it will be all gone. Right now it is very thin and patchy. I have been wearing my winter hat indoors because my head gets so cold.

Take care. More to come soon.