FUNK
Hi. Since I last wrote I am/have been in a funk. Its hard to get out of it! Man, oh man. Am working on it though so I will keep you posted.
BIRTHDAY
On my birthday, a week back, I saw my Oncologist to check in, talk about how I am doing on the Tamoxafin, etc. My first reaction to only have found time to meet with him was on my birthday was, "What a birthday." But then realized how lucky I am to have found the lump when I did, catching the cancer when I did, allowing me to celebrate another birthday (and many more to come). It was an emotional birthday - in a good way.
HALLOWEEN
Tomorrow is Halloween and it was last Halloween that I was sitting in Ashland tire and auto fixing my flat when I received a call from Howard Brown telling me that the results of my mammogram and MRI were not. All I remember about Halloween last year was standing in a crowd of people watching the parade in boystown...all of it being blurry and in slow motion. I am very excited this year about taking Daphne trick or treating. I can't wait. She says she is going to be a princess or a spider. She understands about dressing up and pumpkins but she doesn't quite understand the trick or treating part. The terrified look she gives me when I try to explain to her that we are going to walk around and ring peoples doorbells and then when they answer say trick or treat and they will give us candy- is priceless.
MISC
Other things on my mind are: my Cancer date (Nov. 7th- the date I got the call from my doc confirming it was 'the bad kind')...Christmas in the hospital...all of these firsts are going to be sentimental for me. Making me think about where I was, Where I am now and what's next.
NOV 9th
November 9th is the date I am anxiously awaiting. That is when I have my mammogram and MRI. I am anxious to have this done so that I can believe that the chemo really worked.
ME
I have been trying to focus on me lately. I was in such a deep depression and didn't know what to do. So, three weeks ago I joined the gym, started a diet and started taking all of my meds that I stopped taking when I was diagnosed (many people told me that that seemed like the worst time ever to go off my meds. Its true...and funny to me now).
I am still not completely, "in the moment" but I knew I had to start somewhere and trying to loose some of the 45 lbs I gained from the steroids and the depression seemed like a good place to start. Oh, and taking my meds seems to be helping, too. Who knew?!
HEALTH INSURANCE
I still have no health insurance by the way. Still trying to get public aid but apparently me being a lesbian mom really complicates things. According to my case worker my case is, "confusing and complicated and the strangest case I have ever seen." Makes me feel special.
IN MY THOUGHTS
In my thoughts are Rachel who recently found out that she has to fight this fight again and Linda who fought so hard but was taken away from us last week. My heart goes out to their families and friends as well.
Love to you all,
Judy
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
New Pics
Hi. I have added some pictures to the beginning of the slide show on this page. Pictures of my latest surgery (may cause queeziness. It sure did for me. Almost passed out acually!), my ugly uncomfortable surgery socks and me with hair!
Enjoy.
Judy
Enjoy.
Judy
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Final Surgery
Judy is in surgey for hopefully the last time . . . getting the 2nd part of her breast reconstruction done. It has been a stressful road getting here . . . As of May 31st Judy's insurance company dropped her. Although we are fighting it we only had limited time before her surgery date to figure out how that was going to be covered. The hospital and the doctors are graciously working with her so that she is not left with 1/2 of a breast implant. We are very grateful that everyone has worked with her to take such good care of her! We pray for a miracle that somehow we will find a way to get insurance for her or pay for her future care. If you didn't wish for use universal health care before please join us in wishing for it now! . . . Cathi
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
I need $5. Can I count on your support?
Dear Friends,
Cancer sucks and we all know it (whether you have experienced it yourself, have/had a family member or friend experience it or neither of these but you still just know how much it sucks).
As you know I have Breast Cancer and I am sick of Cancer kicking my butt so I am going to kick it's butt back by stomping all over it! Well, walking all over actually. My family and friends and I have joined a "Relay For Life" team and will be walking from 6pm Saturday, June 6th until 6am June 7th to help fight cancer and we need your help! I have pledged to raise $500.00 for the American Cancer Society. You can help by clicking the link to my Relay web site at the bottom of this page and make a donation. It's that easy! ANY dollar amount will help. You can donate any dollar amount between FIVE dollars to a gazillion million trillion dollars and you will be my hero no matter what dollar amount you can contribute!
I keep picturing those commercials where they talk about how the price of one cup of coffee a day can save a child...well that is how I feel about this as well. It may sound goofy but seriously if you think about how much you may spend on Starbucks or McDonalds each day. You can skip one of those for one day and use those five dollars to help me reach my goal. Trust me, I know that might be difficult to give up because I do Starbucks AND McDonalds nearly each day but I would give that up for the rest of my life if I knew I could help one less person have to go through the Mental, Emotional, Physical and Spiritual roller coaster that goes along with having cancer.
Thank you for reading and I thank you for your support!
Lots of love,
Judy
Click here to visit my personal page.If the text above does not appear as a clickable link, you can visit the web address: http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY09IL?px=11505086&pg=personal&fr_id=15178&fl=en_US&et=heSBN48l33tz3lIrkI_kbQ..&s_tafId=401667 Click here to view the team page for Christine and Judy's Angels
P.S. Please feel free to forward this message to any others who may want to join the fight!
P.S.S. If you are still reading - this is the info that I deleted from the "form letter" that they want you to send out but felt bad for deleting it because it's good info to know...so I pasted that info below.
The American Cancer Society is well known for its research investments. Virtually every major cancer breakthrough of the last 60 years can be traced to Society funding.
What you may not know is that the American Cancer Society also provides cancer patients and their families access to reliable information and free resources for day-to-day help and emotional support to complement what their doctors and medical facilities provide.
There has been so much progress in cancer prevention, detection and treatment over the years. But fighting cancer still takes a tremendous emotional toll on patients and their families. And the financial stakes are huge, even for those who have insurance.
Cancer sucks and we all know it (whether you have experienced it yourself, have/had a family member or friend experience it or neither of these but you still just know how much it sucks).
As you know I have Breast Cancer and I am sick of Cancer kicking my butt so I am going to kick it's butt back by stomping all over it! Well, walking all over actually. My family and friends and I have joined a "Relay For Life" team and will be walking from 6pm Saturday, June 6th until 6am June 7th to help fight cancer and we need your help! I have pledged to raise $500.00 for the American Cancer Society. You can help by clicking the link to my Relay web site at the bottom of this page and make a donation. It's that easy! ANY dollar amount will help. You can donate any dollar amount between FIVE dollars to a gazillion million trillion dollars and you will be my hero no matter what dollar amount you can contribute!
I keep picturing those commercials where they talk about how the price of one cup of coffee a day can save a child...well that is how I feel about this as well. It may sound goofy but seriously if you think about how much you may spend on Starbucks or McDonalds each day. You can skip one of those for one day and use those five dollars to help me reach my goal. Trust me, I know that might be difficult to give up because I do Starbucks AND McDonalds nearly each day but I would give that up for the rest of my life if I knew I could help one less person have to go through the Mental, Emotional, Physical and Spiritual roller coaster that goes along with having cancer.
Thank you for reading and I thank you for your support!
Lots of love,
Judy
Click here to visit my personal page.If the text above does not appear as a clickable link, you can visit the web address: http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY09IL?px=11505086&pg=personal&fr_id=15178&fl=en_US&et=heSBN48l33tz3lIrkI_kbQ..&s_tafId=401667 Click here to view the team page for Christine and Judy's Angels
P.S. Please feel free to forward this message to any others who may want to join the fight!
P.S.S. If you are still reading - this is the info that I deleted from the "form letter" that they want you to send out but felt bad for deleting it because it's good info to know...so I pasted that info below.
The American Cancer Society is well known for its research investments. Virtually every major cancer breakthrough of the last 60 years can be traced to Society funding.
What you may not know is that the American Cancer Society also provides cancer patients and their families access to reliable information and free resources for day-to-day help and emotional support to complement what their doctors and medical facilities provide.
There has been so much progress in cancer prevention, detection and treatment over the years. But fighting cancer still takes a tremendous emotional toll on patients and their families. And the financial stakes are huge, even for those who have insurance.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Since I last blogged
Hi. I have not blogged in a while because I have been in a funk since then and didn't want to be a downer. So, I waited till I had positive things to say, too!
COMING OUT:
I think I have turned a corner though. I have started socializing with other women with Breast Cancer and cancer survivors and that has helped. I have wanted to do this the past seven months but I had so many feelings around it. Even now when strangers come up to me to ask me if I have cancer I don't know what to say. I say, "Yes. Well, I don't know. I finished Chemo in April". Or if they ask if I am a "survivor" I say, "Yes. Well, I don't know. I finished Chemo in April".
I went to a conference type gathering called, "Day of Sharing". It was my first cancer outing and I loved it. It was great and touching to be in a room full of Survivors (about three hundred women and a dozen men). They day was filled with inspiring key note speakers, Q and A with a panel of experts, a raffle (which my mom and I scored big time on!) and silent auction, lunch, Vendors and Survivor fashion show. The fashion was the best part. As each survivor walked the runway they shared her (and one guys) Breast Cancer story. It was sweet, emotional and inspiring. I am going to volunteer next year and you are all invited and encouraged to attend. I will remind you about it later. Don't worry.
The weekend of June 6th some family and friends and I will be doing the "Relay for Life" to raise money for cancer research. We have a team where one person from our team has to be walking at all times for twelve hours! Wait. Not one person for twelve hours. You know what I mean...it's a relay. It's from six pm to six am so you get to camp out, too! I will be begging I mean fundraising for this soon so you will be hearing from me soon about that!
On Mother's Day my family and friends and I celebrated the end of my chemo, as well as Mother's Day by going to see the White Sox game. It was Breast Cancer Awareness day. There was a parade before the game and the first ten thousand ladies received pink sox draw string bags. The players batted with pink bats and they had pink wrist bands. The umps had them, too! My nephew said that all of the Major League games did this on Mother's Day. It was fun. The Sox lost big time so we were all able to talk and catch up with each other.
I also watched the documentary "Crazy, Sexy, Cancer". Highly recommend it. I laughed. I cried. I wrote.
I have been writing a lot. That has been helpful, too.
EYE BROWS:
I am still very self conscious about loosing my eye brows. It was odd because I thought that loosing the hair on my head was hard to deal with. I did not think that I would mind with loosing my eye brows. When I finally started not feeling self conscious in public with my head...I loose my eye brows. A few weeks ago I was talking to my students and told them that I lost my eye brows. One student said, "How'd that go for you." and I said, "Well, I cried for three day but now I am better." I went around the first few days not being able to make eye contact with people. I thought if I just looked down constantly then people wouldn't notice and if they did notice I wouldn't see them gasp in horror. I am a little better about it now but I still tend to look away from people or when I do make eye contact with a clerk at Walgreens I wonder if they are staring at the place my eye brows should be. I notice that I notice other people's eye brows. I am watching "A few good men" and I just noticed Tom Cruise's bushy eye brows. I already had such body image/self esteem issues growing up - hell and way into my adulthood - it's hard to go through it all over again.
BREAST RECONSTRUCTION:
I am getting toward the end of my breast reconstruction. Thank god! I didn't realize how over it I am! Tomorrow I go for one final "juicing". My right breast will officially be one full cup size bigger than my left. So, that will be fun trying to wear a bra that fits! Tomorrow my doctor and I will pick a surgery date! The surgery will be a day surgery where I will go in and get my expander taken out, an implant put in and a lift on the other side. Five months ago I didn't care too much about the lift but holy crap - now I can't wait. My breast look ridiculous they are so lop sided. I didn't realize how happy I am to be done with this reconstruction...but I think it is obvious with all of my exclamation points!!! The surgery will be in mid June. At some point after that I will go back for a nipple and areola then voila! Breast!
I think you are all caught up now.
Talk soon.
Judy
COMING OUT:
I think I have turned a corner though. I have started socializing with other women with Breast Cancer and cancer survivors and that has helped. I have wanted to do this the past seven months but I had so many feelings around it. Even now when strangers come up to me to ask me if I have cancer I don't know what to say. I say, "Yes. Well, I don't know. I finished Chemo in April". Or if they ask if I am a "survivor" I say, "Yes. Well, I don't know. I finished Chemo in April".
I went to a conference type gathering called, "Day of Sharing". It was my first cancer outing and I loved it. It was great and touching to be in a room full of Survivors (about three hundred women and a dozen men). They day was filled with inspiring key note speakers, Q and A with a panel of experts, a raffle (which my mom and I scored big time on!) and silent auction, lunch, Vendors and Survivor fashion show. The fashion was the best part. As each survivor walked the runway they shared her (and one guys) Breast Cancer story. It was sweet, emotional and inspiring. I am going to volunteer next year and you are all invited and encouraged to attend. I will remind you about it later. Don't worry.
The weekend of June 6th some family and friends and I will be doing the "Relay for Life" to raise money for cancer research. We have a team where one person from our team has to be walking at all times for twelve hours! Wait. Not one person for twelve hours. You know what I mean...it's a relay. It's from six pm to six am so you get to camp out, too! I will be begging I mean fundraising for this soon so you will be hearing from me soon about that!
On Mother's Day my family and friends and I celebrated the end of my chemo, as well as Mother's Day by going to see the White Sox game. It was Breast Cancer Awareness day. There was a parade before the game and the first ten thousand ladies received pink sox draw string bags. The players batted with pink bats and they had pink wrist bands. The umps had them, too! My nephew said that all of the Major League games did this on Mother's Day. It was fun. The Sox lost big time so we were all able to talk and catch up with each other.
I also watched the documentary "Crazy, Sexy, Cancer". Highly recommend it. I laughed. I cried. I wrote.
I have been writing a lot. That has been helpful, too.
EYE BROWS:
I am still very self conscious about loosing my eye brows. It was odd because I thought that loosing the hair on my head was hard to deal with. I did not think that I would mind with loosing my eye brows. When I finally started not feeling self conscious in public with my head...I loose my eye brows. A few weeks ago I was talking to my students and told them that I lost my eye brows. One student said, "How'd that go for you." and I said, "Well, I cried for three day but now I am better." I went around the first few days not being able to make eye contact with people. I thought if I just looked down constantly then people wouldn't notice and if they did notice I wouldn't see them gasp in horror. I am a little better about it now but I still tend to look away from people or when I do make eye contact with a clerk at Walgreens I wonder if they are staring at the place my eye brows should be. I notice that I notice other people's eye brows. I am watching "A few good men" and I just noticed Tom Cruise's bushy eye brows. I already had such body image/self esteem issues growing up - hell and way into my adulthood - it's hard to go through it all over again.
BREAST RECONSTRUCTION:
I am getting toward the end of my breast reconstruction. Thank god! I didn't realize how over it I am! Tomorrow I go for one final "juicing". My right breast will officially be one full cup size bigger than my left. So, that will be fun trying to wear a bra that fits! Tomorrow my doctor and I will pick a surgery date! The surgery will be a day surgery where I will go in and get my expander taken out, an implant put in and a lift on the other side. Five months ago I didn't care too much about the lift but holy crap - now I can't wait. My breast look ridiculous they are so lop sided. I didn't realize how happy I am to be done with this reconstruction...but I think it is obvious with all of my exclamation points!!! The surgery will be in mid June. At some point after that I will go back for a nipple and areola then voila! Breast!
I think you are all caught up now.
Talk soon.
Judy
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Final round of chemo!
It's here! It's here! I had my final round of chemo yesterday. Started feeling a little funky as of yesterday afternoon so that is annoying. I had mixed feelings about yesterday. It was very sweet to receive hugs from nurses telling me congratulations on being done but I could not share their happiness though because I don't feel done.
I guess because there is still more to come. So, I am not done. I didn't get a clear answer as to when I can say that I am cured. My Oncologist said that breast cancer is tricky because after chemo it still tends to linger. The Tamoxafin treatment will help with that. Then there will be tests every few months to keep a close eye on it.
I have been through all kinds of emotions since the first abnormal tests. Seeing doctors every week and then now I'm done with chemo what does that mean? I am in kind of a limbo stage. My mom said that she talked to some chemo nurses yesterday and today and they warned her that more often than not that this time is harder for women because they feel like their safety net of doctors and nurses are gone and it's a scary time.
I am still mostly sure that I don't need radiation but we opened the subject again when we thought it was closed. My Oncologist wants to run my pathology report by the Radiologist to get his opinion. That was shocking to hear just because I thought no radiation was a given. My doctor feels confident that we will not need to go that route but that doesn't really make me feel better since my doctors were pretty sure early on that this wasn't even breast cancer in the first place.
My Oncologist also talked again about throwing me into early Menopause but there is not much to discuss on the matter until we see what the Tamoxafin will do to my cycles. But it's just the idea. He said that going into Menopause in my thirties would not be the best thing for my body either but would reduce the risk of breast cancer reoccurring. It also made me sad that even though I am not planning on giving birth or getting pregnant that the choice might be made for me. Once again, another part of it that I don't have a say in.
Then there is the fact that I weigh more now that I have ever weighed in my life. The nurse told me to blame the steroids so I said ok. I would. My eye brows are falling out and look like a bad wax or tweezing job. A good wax or tweezing job would have been fine by me with my bushy eye brows.
My positive story of the day: I got hit on by a cute young woman at the park today. I decided to go for a walk to get some fresh air before my big weekend in bed and to think and clear my head. I was walking very slowly. I mean very very slowly. The older people with walkers were going faster than me. I head my head down just thinkin' then all of the sudden I hear, "Excuse me." I turned around and I looked at her and she said, "Oh. I was just letting you know that I was passing." I said, "Oh. Ok." Then she said, "Are you in a relationship?" and I said, "Ya." and she said, "That's too bad." Then she said, "I hope you are not walking to loose weight." and I said, "Kind of." Then she said, "It's good to have a little meat on you." and I said, "Thanks." and smiled real big. Normally that kind of thing might bother me but it was a pretty perfect time for that to happen to me.
Till next time...Judy
I guess because there is still more to come. So, I am not done. I didn't get a clear answer as to when I can say that I am cured. My Oncologist said that breast cancer is tricky because after chemo it still tends to linger. The Tamoxafin treatment will help with that. Then there will be tests every few months to keep a close eye on it.
I have been through all kinds of emotions since the first abnormal tests. Seeing doctors every week and then now I'm done with chemo what does that mean? I am in kind of a limbo stage. My mom said that she talked to some chemo nurses yesterday and today and they warned her that more often than not that this time is harder for women because they feel like their safety net of doctors and nurses are gone and it's a scary time.
I am still mostly sure that I don't need radiation but we opened the subject again when we thought it was closed. My Oncologist wants to run my pathology report by the Radiologist to get his opinion. That was shocking to hear just because I thought no radiation was a given. My doctor feels confident that we will not need to go that route but that doesn't really make me feel better since my doctors were pretty sure early on that this wasn't even breast cancer in the first place.
My Oncologist also talked again about throwing me into early Menopause but there is not much to discuss on the matter until we see what the Tamoxafin will do to my cycles. But it's just the idea. He said that going into Menopause in my thirties would not be the best thing for my body either but would reduce the risk of breast cancer reoccurring. It also made me sad that even though I am not planning on giving birth or getting pregnant that the choice might be made for me. Once again, another part of it that I don't have a say in.
Then there is the fact that I weigh more now that I have ever weighed in my life. The nurse told me to blame the steroids so I said ok. I would. My eye brows are falling out and look like a bad wax or tweezing job. A good wax or tweezing job would have been fine by me with my bushy eye brows.
My positive story of the day: I got hit on by a cute young woman at the park today. I decided to go for a walk to get some fresh air before my big weekend in bed and to think and clear my head. I was walking very slowly. I mean very very slowly. The older people with walkers were going faster than me. I head my head down just thinkin' then all of the sudden I hear, "Excuse me." I turned around and I looked at her and she said, "Oh. I was just letting you know that I was passing." I said, "Oh. Ok." Then she said, "Are you in a relationship?" and I said, "Ya." and she said, "That's too bad." Then she said, "I hope you are not walking to loose weight." and I said, "Kind of." Then she said, "It's good to have a little meat on you." and I said, "Thanks." and smiled real big. Normally that kind of thing might bother me but it was a pretty perfect time for that to happen to me.
Till next time...Judy
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Cancer is a fucking asshole
Sorry to any youngsters who might be reading this. I haven't written an angry blog yet...I have been good at talking myself out of it I guess...
I hate you cancer and all that you have done to me.
I am someone who used to never take meds. Today I looked at my giant zip lock bag full of meds and want to throw them. Then I started thinking about how it is time to get my steroid and nausea meds refilled because starting Monday it will be time to start taking steroids for my final chemo treatment. You might think that I would be happy that this will be my last treatment but instead I got mad. Mad for so many reasons. Mad that now instead of just three days of crying and feeling anxious and nervous and not being able to sleep and stressed it's six days of that. I am mad that it's time do go through chemo again. I keep wanting to say that I refuse to do it again but I know I can't do that.
I hate all of the roller coaster of feelings. Feelings of being embarrassed to let people see me with out my hair. I know I felt comfortable a few weeks ago but I guess that has changed. I hate getting my breast pumped up because then for two weeks my breast is practically in my neck. So, wearing a fitting shirt looks ridiculous. I hate trying to deal with all of the other shit going on in my life yet trying to make "getting better" a priority. That's not really possible. So, to me, this cancer is really just an inconvenience. I keep thinking that and waiting for this to happen for a reason or to be a gift or to happen to me because you don't get more than you can handle. Maybe someday I will see it that way but definitely not now.
The last time I went to the pharmacy to get my nausea meds refilled I got mad, too. My doctor gave me a prescription for thirty pills but apparently my insurance only covers twelve at a time. I told the pharmacist that whoever decided that only twelve pills could be covered at a time must never have had chemo.
I keep wanting to know what is next. I guess I will find this out when I meet with my Oncologist on Wednesday. Do I take Tamoxifen for five years and then talk about being "thrown" into early menopause? What does being "thrown" into early menopause mean? What will they do to "throw" me into early menopause? Will I not have my period for five years while taking Tamoxifen? And so on.
When it gets so overwhelming and I feel like I am going to loose it I think of my latest mantra: I am doing this for Daphne...doing this for Daphne...doing this for Daphne.
I hate you cancer and all that you have done to me.
I am someone who used to never take meds. Today I looked at my giant zip lock bag full of meds and want to throw them. Then I started thinking about how it is time to get my steroid and nausea meds refilled because starting Monday it will be time to start taking steroids for my final chemo treatment. You might think that I would be happy that this will be my last treatment but instead I got mad. Mad for so many reasons. Mad that now instead of just three days of crying and feeling anxious and nervous and not being able to sleep and stressed it's six days of that. I am mad that it's time do go through chemo again. I keep wanting to say that I refuse to do it again but I know I can't do that.
I hate all of the roller coaster of feelings. Feelings of being embarrassed to let people see me with out my hair. I know I felt comfortable a few weeks ago but I guess that has changed. I hate getting my breast pumped up because then for two weeks my breast is practically in my neck. So, wearing a fitting shirt looks ridiculous. I hate trying to deal with all of the other shit going on in my life yet trying to make "getting better" a priority. That's not really possible. So, to me, this cancer is really just an inconvenience. I keep thinking that and waiting for this to happen for a reason or to be a gift or to happen to me because you don't get more than you can handle. Maybe someday I will see it that way but definitely not now.
The last time I went to the pharmacy to get my nausea meds refilled I got mad, too. My doctor gave me a prescription for thirty pills but apparently my insurance only covers twelve at a time. I told the pharmacist that whoever decided that only twelve pills could be covered at a time must never have had chemo.
I keep wanting to know what is next. I guess I will find this out when I meet with my Oncologist on Wednesday. Do I take Tamoxifen for five years and then talk about being "thrown" into early menopause? What does being "thrown" into early menopause mean? What will they do to "throw" me into early menopause? Will I not have my period for five years while taking Tamoxifen? And so on.
When it gets so overwhelming and I feel like I am going to loose it I think of my latest mantra: I am doing this for Daphne...doing this for Daphne...doing this for Daphne.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
