Negative is positive!

My results for my mammogram and MRI came back negative! I am cancer free. I could not believe it. I thought I believed that that cancer was gone but it wasn't until I heard, "benign" and "no abnormalities" that I could finally take a deep breath. Immediately following that moment I smiled, then cried, then got angry. From here on out I will be getting a mammogram and MRI yearly.

For the past six weeks I have been working out with a trainer and have changed my diet (to a keeping cancer in remission diet. No soy, dairy, sugar. Mostly eating veggies, veggies, veggies and fish). I have more energy and my mood has gotten much better. Now that I am cancer free I have gone back to obsessing about my weight. I am very happy to say that I have lost ten pounds! My oncologist said that with being on Tamoxafin it will be hard to loose weight due to messing with my hormones. Slowly but surely.

Speaking of Tamoxafin (the pill form of chemo that I am on for 5 years). Apparently one of the side effects is loss of vision. So, a few weeks ago when everything became blurry I freaked out. I didn't know at the time that it could be a side effect of Tamoxafin but had wondered if it was a side effect of chemo so I called my Oncologist. He said that it is a side effect so he told me to stop taking the tamoxafin for a week and see if my vision gets better. I can see but everything is annoyingly blurry. If it is the Tamoxafin then he will put me on another drug (with even more side effects). I am trying to not get worked up about it and just wait till next and see...and hopefully really see!

Oh, funny story. Oh. First you should know that my breasts are not even yet. My plasic surgeon wants to see if my left one will go down a size from loosing weight before doing another lift or reduction. Etc. Ok. Now the funny story. So, I moved last week and you know how when you move things get thrown into random boxes, especially toward the end of the packing? Well, I had my right breast (pad) sitting on my dresser so I would know where it was...while I was loading the car my right breast got packed away! I have not found it since. So, I have been stuffing my bra with a rolled pair of underware. Oh, cancer!

That is all for now. I am in the car with my family and my dog heading up to Ashland, Wisconsin to visit my brother and niece and nephew for Thanksgiving. I am looking forward to it! I have a lot to be thankful for this year. With everything going on this time last year, I don't remember Thanksgiving at all last year. I really don't remember a thing!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Lots of love,

Judy

It's been a while

FUNK
Hi. Since I last wrote I am/have been in a funk. Its hard to get out of it! Man, oh man. Am working on it though so I will keep you posted.

BIRTHDAY
On my birthday, a week back, I saw my Oncologist to check in, talk about how I am doing on the Tamoxafin, etc. My first reaction to only have found time to meet with him was on my birthday was, "What a birthday." But then realized how lucky I am to have found the lump when I did, catching the cancer when I did, allowing me to celebrate another birthday (and many more to come). It was an emotional birthday - in a good way.

HALLOWEEN
Tomorrow is Halloween and it was last Halloween that I was sitting in Ashland tire and auto fixing my flat when I received a call from Howard Brown telling me that the results of my mammogram and MRI were not. All I remember about Halloween last year was standing in a crowd of people watching the parade in boystown...all of it being blurry and in slow motion. I am very excited this year about taking Daphne trick or treating. I can't wait. She says she is going to be a princess or a spider. She understands about dressing up and pumpkins but she doesn't quite understand the trick or treating part. The terrified look she gives me when I try to explain to her that we are going to walk around and ring peoples doorbells and then when they answer say trick or treat and they will give us candy- is priceless.

MISC
Other things on my mind are: my Cancer date (Nov. 7th- the date I got the call from my doc confirming it was 'the bad kind')...Christmas in the hospital...all of these firsts are going to be sentimental for me. Making me think about where I was, Where I am now and what's next.

NOV 9th
November 9th is the date I am anxiously awaiting. That is when I have my mammogram and MRI. I am anxious to have this done so that I can believe that the chemo really worked.

ME
I have been trying to focus on me lately. I was in such a deep depression and didn't know what to do. So, three weeks ago I joined the gym, started a diet and started taking all of my meds that I stopped taking when I was diagnosed (many people told me that that seemed like the worst time ever to go off my meds. Its true...and funny to me now).
I am still not completely, "in the moment" but I knew I had to start somewhere and trying to loose some of the 45 lbs I gained from the steroids and the depression seemed like a good place to start. Oh, and taking my meds seems to be helping, too. Who knew?!

HEALTH INSURANCE
I still have no health insurance by the way. Still trying to get public aid but apparently me being a lesbian mom really complicates things. According to my case worker my case is, "confusing and complicated and the strangest case I have ever seen." Makes me feel special.

IN MY THOUGHTS
In my thoughts are Rachel who recently found out that she has to fight this fight again and Linda who fought so hard but was taken away from us last week. My heart goes out to their families and friends as well.

Love to you all,

Judy

New Pics

Hi. I have added some pictures to the beginning of the slide show on this page. Pictures of my latest surgery (may cause queeziness. It sure did for me. Almost passed out acually!), my ugly uncomfortable surgery socks and me with hair!
Enjoy.
Judy

Final Surgery

Judy is in surgey for hopefully the last time . . . getting the 2nd part of her breast reconstruction done. It has been a stressful road getting here . . . As of May 31st Judy's insurance company dropped her. Although we are fighting it we only had limited time before her surgery date to figure out how that was going to be covered. The hospital and the doctors are graciously working with her so that she is not left with 1/2 of a breast implant. We are very grateful that everyone has worked with her to take such good care of her! We pray for a miracle that somehow we will find a way to get insurance for her or pay for her future care. If you didn't wish for use universal health care before please join us in wishing for it now! . . . Cathi

I need $5. Can I count on your support?

Dear Friends,

Cancer sucks and we all know it (whether you have experienced it yourself, have/had a family member or friend experience it or neither of these but you still just know how much it sucks).

As you know I have Breast Cancer and I am sick of Cancer kicking my butt so I am going to kick it's butt back by stomping all over it! Well, walking all over actually. My family and friends and I have joined a "Relay For Life" team and will be walking from 6pm Saturday, June 6th until 6am June 7th to help fight cancer and we need your help! I have pledged to raise $500.00 for the American Cancer Society. You can help by clicking the link to my Relay web site at the bottom of this page and make a donation. It's that easy! ANY dollar amount will help. You can donate any dollar amount between FIVE dollars to a gazillion million trillion dollars and you will be my hero no matter what dollar amount you can contribute!

I keep picturing those commercials where they talk about how the price of one cup of coffee a day can save a child...well that is how I feel about this as well. It may sound goofy but seriously if you think about how much you may spend on Starbucks or McDonalds each day. You can skip one of those for one day and use those five dollars to help me reach my goal. Trust me, I know that might be difficult to give up because I do Starbucks AND McDonalds nearly each day but I would give that up for the rest of my life if I knew I could help one less person have to go through the Mental, Emotional, Physical and Spiritual roller coaster that goes along with having cancer.

Thank you for reading and I thank you for your support!

Lots of love,

Judy

Click here to visit my personal page.If the text above does not appear as a clickable link, you can visit the web address: http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY09IL?px=11505086&pg=personal&fr_id=15178&fl=en_US&et=heSBN48l33tz3lIrkI_kbQ..&s_tafId=401667 Click here to view the team page for Christine and Judy's Angels

P.S. Please feel free to forward this message to any others who may want to join the fight!

P.S.S. If you are still reading - this is the info that I deleted from the "form letter" that they want you to send out but felt bad for deleting it because it's good info to know...so I pasted that info below.

The American Cancer Society is well known for its research investments. Virtually every major cancer breakthrough of the last 60 years can be traced to Society funding.

What you may not know is that the American Cancer Society also provides cancer patients and their families access to reliable information and free resources for day-to-day help and emotional support to complement what their doctors and medical facilities provide.

There has been so much progress in cancer prevention, detection and treatment over the years. But fighting cancer still takes a tremendous emotional toll on patients and their families. And the financial stakes are huge, even for those who have insurance.

Since I last blogged

Hi. I have not blogged in a while because I have been in a funk since then and didn't want to be a downer. So, I waited till I had positive things to say, too!

COMING OUT:
I think I have turned a corner though. I have started socializing with other women with Breast Cancer and cancer survivors and that has helped. I have wanted to do this the past seven months but I had so many feelings around it. Even now when strangers come up to me to ask me if I have cancer I don't know what to say. I say, "Yes. Well, I don't know. I finished Chemo in April". Or if they ask if I am a "survivor" I say, "Yes. Well, I don't know. I finished Chemo in April".

I went to a conference type gathering called, "Day of Sharing". It was my first cancer outing and I loved it. It was great and touching to be in a room full of Survivors (about three hundred women and a dozen men). They day was filled with inspiring key note speakers, Q and A with a panel of experts, a raffle (which my mom and I scored big time on!) and silent auction, lunch, Vendors and Survivor fashion show. The fashion was the best part. As each survivor walked the runway they shared her (and one guys) Breast Cancer story. It was sweet, emotional and inspiring. I am going to volunteer next year and you are all invited and encouraged to attend. I will remind you about it later. Don't worry.

The weekend of June 6th some family and friends and I will be doing the "Relay for Life" to raise money for cancer research. We have a team where one person from our team has to be walking at all times for twelve hours! Wait. Not one person for twelve hours. You know what I mean...it's a relay. It's from six pm to six am so you get to camp out, too! I will be begging I mean fundraising for this soon so you will be hearing from me soon about that!

On Mother's Day my family and friends and I celebrated the end of my chemo, as well as Mother's Day by going to see the White Sox game. It was Breast Cancer Awareness day. There was a parade before the game and the first ten thousand ladies received pink sox draw string bags. The players batted with pink bats and they had pink wrist bands. The umps had them, too! My nephew said that all of the Major League games did this on Mother's Day. It was fun. The Sox lost big time so we were all able to talk and catch up with each other.

I also watched the documentary "Crazy, Sexy, Cancer". Highly recommend it. I laughed. I cried. I wrote.

I have been writing a lot. That has been helpful, too.

EYE BROWS:
I am still very self conscious about loosing my eye brows. It was odd because I thought that loosing the hair on my head was hard to deal with. I did not think that I would mind with loosing my eye brows. When I finally started not feeling self conscious in public with my head...I loose my eye brows. A few weeks ago I was talking to my students and told them that I lost my eye brows. One student said, "How'd that go for you." and I said, "Well, I cried for three day but now I am better." I went around the first few days not being able to make eye contact with people. I thought if I just looked down constantly then people wouldn't notice and if they did notice I wouldn't see them gasp in horror. I am a little better about it now but I still tend to look away from people or when I do make eye contact with a clerk at Walgreens I wonder if they are staring at the place my eye brows should be. I notice that I notice other people's eye brows. I am watching "A few good men" and I just noticed Tom Cruise's bushy eye brows. I already had such body image/self esteem issues growing up - hell and way into my adulthood - it's hard to go through it all over again.

BREAST RECONSTRUCTION:
I am getting toward the end of my breast reconstruction. Thank god! I didn't realize how over it I am! Tomorrow I go for one final "juicing". My right breast will officially be one full cup size bigger than my left. So, that will be fun trying to wear a bra that fits! Tomorrow my doctor and I will pick a surgery date! The surgery will be a day surgery where I will go in and get my expander taken out, an implant put in and a lift on the other side. Five months ago I didn't care too much about the lift but holy crap - now I can't wait. My breast look ridiculous they are so lop sided. I didn't realize how happy I am to be done with this reconstruction...but I think it is obvious with all of my exclamation points!!! The surgery will be in mid June. At some point after that I will go back for a nipple and areola then voila! Breast!

I think you are all caught up now.

Talk soon.

Judy

Final round of chemo!

It's here! It's here! I had my final round of chemo yesterday. Started feeling a little funky as of yesterday afternoon so that is annoying. I had mixed feelings about yesterday. It was very sweet to receive hugs from nurses telling me congratulations on being done but I could not share their happiness though because I don't feel done.

I guess because there is still more to come. So, I am not done. I didn't get a clear answer as to when I can say that I am cured. My Oncologist said that breast cancer is tricky because after chemo it still tends to linger. The Tamoxafin treatment will help with that. Then there will be tests every few months to keep a close eye on it.

I have been through all kinds of emotions since the first abnormal tests. Seeing doctors every week and then now I'm done with chemo what does that mean? I am in kind of a limbo stage. My mom said that she talked to some chemo nurses yesterday and today and they warned her that more often than not that this time is harder for women because they feel like their safety net of doctors and nurses are gone and it's a scary time.

I am still mostly sure that I don't need radiation but we opened the subject again when we thought it was closed. My Oncologist wants to run my pathology report by the Radiologist to get his opinion. That was shocking to hear just because I thought no radiation was a given. My doctor feels confident that we will not need to go that route but that doesn't really make me feel better since my doctors were pretty sure early on that this wasn't even breast cancer in the first place.

My Oncologist also talked again about throwing me into early Menopause but there is not much to discuss on the matter until we see what the Tamoxafin will do to my cycles. But it's just the idea. He said that going into Menopause in my thirties would not be the best thing for my body either but would reduce the risk of breast cancer reoccurring. It also made me sad that even though I am not planning on giving birth or getting pregnant that the choice might be made for me. Once again, another part of it that I don't have a say in.

Then there is the fact that I weigh more now that I have ever weighed in my life. The nurse told me to blame the steroids so I said ok. I would. My eye brows are falling out and look like a bad wax or tweezing job. A good wax or tweezing job would have been fine by me with my bushy eye brows.

My positive story of the day: I got hit on by a cute young woman at the park today. I decided to go for a walk to get some fresh air before my big weekend in bed and to think and clear my head. I was walking very slowly. I mean very very slowly. The older people with walkers were going faster than me. I head my head down just thinkin' then all of the sudden I hear, "Excuse me." I turned around and I looked at her and she said, "Oh. I was just letting you know that I was passing." I said, "Oh. Ok." Then she said, "Are you in a relationship?" and I said, "Ya." and she said, "That's too bad." Then she said, "I hope you are not walking to loose weight." and I said, "Kind of." Then she said, "It's good to have a little meat on you." and I said, "Thanks." and smiled real big. Normally that kind of thing might bother me but it was a pretty perfect time for that to happen to me.

Till next time...Judy

Cancer is a fucking asshole

Sorry to any youngsters who might be reading this. I haven't written an angry blog yet...I have been good at talking myself out of it I guess...

I hate you cancer and all that you have done to me.

I am someone who used to never take meds. Today I looked at my giant zip lock bag full of meds and want to throw them. Then I started thinking about how it is time to get my steroid and nausea meds refilled because starting Monday it will be time to start taking steroids for my final chemo treatment. You might think that I would be happy that this will be my last treatment but instead I got mad. Mad for so many reasons. Mad that now instead of just three days of crying and feeling anxious and nervous and not being able to sleep and stressed it's six days of that. I am mad that it's time do go through chemo again. I keep wanting to say that I refuse to do it again but I know I can't do that.

I hate all of the roller coaster of feelings. Feelings of being embarrassed to let people see me with out my hair. I know I felt comfortable a few weeks ago but I guess that has changed. I hate getting my breast pumped up because then for two weeks my breast is practically in my neck. So, wearing a fitting shirt looks ridiculous. I hate trying to deal with all of the other shit going on in my life yet trying to make "getting better" a priority. That's not really possible. So, to me, this cancer is really just an inconvenience. I keep thinking that and waiting for this to happen for a reason or to be a gift or to happen to me because you don't get more than you can handle. Maybe someday I will see it that way but definitely not now.

The last time I went to the pharmacy to get my nausea meds refilled I got mad, too. My doctor gave me a prescription for thirty pills but apparently my insurance only covers twelve at a time. I told the pharmacist that whoever decided that only twelve pills could be covered at a time must never have had chemo.

I keep wanting to know what is next. I guess I will find this out when I meet with my Oncologist on Wednesday. Do I take Tamoxifen for five years and then talk about being "thrown" into early menopause? What does being "thrown" into early menopause mean? What will they do to "throw" me into early menopause? Will I not have my period for five years while taking Tamoxifen? And so on.

When it gets so overwhelming and I feel like I am going to loose it I think of my latest mantra: I am doing this for Daphne...doing this for Daphne...doing this for Daphne.

Chemo round # 3!

I am just about to finish up my third round of Chemo! Yay!

I have started my list of cancer perks. Here it is:

1. Getting free massages from wellness centers and Thousand Waves spa! Haven't used them yet but will!

2. Free therapy. Who doesn't need that?

3. When I was admitted to the hospital I was in an isolation room so I had my own room. Nice.

4. Free parking (when I was admitted to the hospital. I parked overnight for free)!

5. Complimentary new bra. Bras are so uncomfortable now with my breast still being sore and my arm is still sore from the surgery. So, once I have my new breast complete I will get fit for a new bra.

6. Make up. A few weeks ago I went to a make up seminar through Gilda's Club. I was the lesbian who wouldn't put on the make up because "people would see me" when I left. It was cute though. I wish I could have filmed it. I hate to say it but it is a sketch waiting to happen. I now have a new bag of free make up!

7. Wig. I went to the American Cancer Society in Evanston last week and got a free wig. It was fun.

8. No shaving! This one might need to be moved up to one of the top ones! Shaved legs a month ago and have just a little bit of stubble. Yippie for me and summer time!

9. No periods. Well, right now my ovaries don't know what is going on yet but my doc says that my period will stop for a while. If you know me - you know I hate periods and shaving so fluke? Yes or no. You tell me.

10. Which should probably be my number one but I am not there yet...I have realized that our bodies are pretty f-ing amazing! Arm heals. Breast skin expands. Body rejuvenates. In December I couldn't get up out of bed by myself for a week. I couldn't take off or put on my shirt or tie my shoes. I couldn't hold my daughter! I am not where I want to be yet but am keepin' the faith that I will be playing softball in a month.

I started a new term at Second City this past Monday and I could play Kitty wants a corner! Eight weeks ago I could not. It was that game this past Monday that made me smile and tear up. I have been wanting to feel normal for so long.

It was then that I also realized that I don't need that to feel normal. Monday night was also when I got sick of being afraid to be in public without a hat or a scarf. I was always ducking out to the bathroom to change from my winter cap to a scarf or just letting me head freeze in a scarf from the car to where ever I was going. I like the scarves and hats but I was tired of hiding behind them. I want to wear them because I WANT to not because I don't want anyone to know I have cancer.

I didn't get an allergic reaction this time to the chemo!

Talk soon.

Judy

Since my last post

Hi. This past Monday I had another breast expansion. One more fill up and the two will match! Very exciting.

I added more pictures to my slide show. If you are curious to see what my fake breast looks like then check it out. If not, don't look.

I have Chemo this Wednesday again. I am kind of mad that it's that time again. I am over it. Even though it's every three weeks it seems like it's every week. My doc is having me take steroids two extra days around my chemo in hopes that that will help me to not have another allergic reaction. So, that means two extra days of crying. On the plus side I am going to work out this time around to see if I bulk up at all. Fingers crossed.

I went to the American Cancer Society this past Friday to get a free wig. It was fun! i went from being embarrassed to feeling like cancer girl to having fun. I laughed a lot. I think it was the most I laughed about cancer since I was diagnosed. It was a much needed laugh.

Talk to you all soon.

Judy

Chemo Chemo!

Ah. Almost done with round number two! This time around I had an allergic reaction and some other side effects from the chemo. My doctor said it was the Taxotere and possibly the steroids.

I woke up at 4:30am on Friday with my eyes swollen shut. I could not open them. So, I had to rinse my eyes with warm water to get get them to open. My eye lids were puffy and swollen. The whites of my eyes were completely red. My eyes were super watery and I had gunk in them constantly. I had a lot of pressure behind my eyes. My cheeks were bright red and felt like they were on fire (my doctor said that was from the Steroids).

They are still this way today. My doctor said to just monitor the symptoms and to let them know if I get a temperature or have shortness of breath. I don't know how long I will be like this or if it will get worse each chemo round or if this means that they will have to modify what they give me next time. I have no idea. I am going to call in tomorrow to see if there is anything I can do about my eyes. Ah! The fun never ends.

Judy

Chemo brain

Today I had my second dose of Chemo. I met with my Oncologist before hand. My counts are back to normal! Yay! He said that it sounds like my first round of Chemo went well so I thought I should believe him. He also said that he wants to wait on giving me a shot to boost my white blood counts. He said that I could still get a fever again because my counts will still go down low but that the shot would help bring the counts back up 24-48 hours sooner and one side effect is bone pain so he does not want to do that to me. So he is not recommending it at this time. I am ok with that because I have been having muscle aches and joint pain and that is annoying enough.

I have been noticing that I can not focus and remember words as much as I used to (no jokes please)! When I was telling the nurse about it this morning she said that around the hospital they call that "Chemo brain". Here are a few examples:

1. While on break yesterday at the After School Matters H.S. program I teach at I walked into and used the boys bathroom and didn't notice until the end of class when I went to the bathroom again with my co-teacher and followed her and saw that it was not the same bathroom I had used an hour ago. No! There were no urinals in the boys bathroom. Just stalls. The security guard looked at me funny on my way it but I was just paranoid that he could tell that my breasts were uneven or that he wondered if I had cancer because I was wearing a scarf.

2. That same day a few hours earlier I was pulling into a gas station. You know how there are usually two entrances and a curb between those two entrances? Well, I know that you are supposed to use the entrance not the curb...but next thing I know I am driving right into the curb. Not going up and over. Just right into the curb. Of course there is oncoming traffic but I had to reverse then drive the wrong way down the road a few feet in order to use this said entrance that I was supposed to use in the first place. I wanted to apologize to the driver by pointing at my bald head mouthing "cancer" but too many other cars were coming so I didn't

3. This morning on the way to Chemo. I started heading to my plastic surgeons office instead of the hospital. They are about twenty minutes apart from each other. You get off at Barrington Rd. off of the Kennedy but the Plastic Surgeon you go South and the hospital you go North.

4. My mom had to walk me from the Oncologist office to the Ambulatory Care unit instead of returning to work because I could not remember at all where Ambulatory Care was.

5. All night tonight I kept asking my students, "Did we do play this game already?" Sadly, half of the time their answer was yes.

I am sure the list goes on and on ... I blame the steroids! Today someone told me that they wished they had drank as much coffee as I had today. I did not have any coffee today!

Will write again soon.

Lots of love.

Judy

Plastic Surgeon meeting

This past Friday I got another 60 cc's injected into my right breast. Dr. B said that he will inject me another two or three more times to get it to match the other breast and then he will do two or three more injections because they want to stretch the skin more than they need to just to be on safe side.

Round two of Chemo tomorrow

Hi. I have my second round of Chemo coming up tomorrow. I am dreading it because I am not looking forward to getting sick again. People have been saying that the first round is the worst because you don't know what to expect. Now that I know what to expect I find that I am still afraid. The good news is that after tomorrow I can say that I am half way done with my Chemo. Ah. The games I play with my head to get through this. Fun.

I have added some new pictures to my slide show of my hair as it is now. Most of my hair falls out in the shower so I am guessing that in two more showers it will be all gone. Right now it is very thin and patchy. I have been wearing my winter hat indoors because my head gets so cold.

Take care. More to come soon.

Bye bye hair!

While I was in the hospital my hair started falling out! That really freaked me out. I noticed it in the shower and was whining and saying,, "No!" and "Oh my god!" and things like that. I thought I was prepared for my hair to fall out but I didn't think it was gonna be so soon and it's just strange to see little clumps of hair falling out. Even when expecting it. I found that I was obsessively pulling on my hair to see if it was really happening and then freaking out when it happened.

So, this afternoon I shaved my head. I wanted to be in control of my hair or at least feel like I am. I have a buzz cut now. Daphne likes to feel it. She tells me that my head is fuzzy.

I ordered some hats and scarves from a cancer site and they came today. Perfect timing!

Sunday night in the Emergency Room (everything is ok)

I was feeling tired on Sunday which seems to be the new norm. I took a nap and woke up at 3 pm feeling achy and had the chills. I took my temperature and it was 99. I continued to take my temperature obsessively and found that my temperature was rising about 1/2 a degree every hour.

A little after 6 pm my temperature was 100.5 which is the magical number. That number means that you are supposed to call the doctor. So, I did. He told me to go to the Emergency Room and have them take my blood counts. So, I went to Illinois Masonic around 8 pm and waited and waited and waited. They did lots of tests. They checked my counts, they did a blood culture, chest x-ray, urine sample and flu test. Everything was fine except for my counts. My red blood cell count was 490 and it should be 1000. They said they start to worry around 500. Also, my white blood cell counts were very low. It was 0.5 and normally should be 10.

So, at 1:15 am they admitted me to the hospital and took me up to my room. Because my counts were so low I had to wear a mask while they transferred me to my room so that I would not get sick from any of the germs of any of the sick people in the hospital. I had to stay in an isolation room which meant that everyone who entered had to wear a mask. There was a sign on my door that said that Neutropenic and another sign that said that you had to wear a mask. That part scared me. While I was in the Emergency Room they started an IV and gave me antibiotics.

When I got up to the room more doctors and nurses had to see me to get my history and to take my vitals. I wonder if staying at Good Shepherd would have taken less time because they already have all of my surgery and cancer info. I didn't get to bed till 3 am and the first nurse came in at 7 am to do my vitals again. Doctors and nurses came in throughout the day about every twenty minutes for some reason or another. It was usually right when I had started to doze off. So, eventually I stopped trying to sleep. They gave me antibiotics three times throughout my stay and also gave me an IV with Sodium Chloride.

On Monday morning they took another blood draw to check my counts and they went up from 0.5 to 0.7. So, since they were going up they released me. They told me not to work for the rest of the week, and to wear a mask when I was around Daphne. I called my Oncologist at Good Shepherd on my way out of the hospital and he told me that my counts should return to normal in a couple of days. He said that I could go back to work when I felt up to it, that I needed to listen to my body, but that if I went back to work in the next couple of days I had to be really careful to avoid anyone who was sick, and that I must be very conscientous about washing my hands frequently. He said that I did not need to wear a mask around Daphne, but that again I needed to be careful about washing my hands frequently.

Ugh! Made it through my first cycle of Chemo.

I wrote some of this on Friday and Saturday....

So...on Thursday I was imagining that I was having Chemo side effects but as of Friday afternoon I think I know what they are now. They are actually not that bad. The most annoying is the nausea. It's hard to get a handle on so far. When I am hungry I am nauseous. If I eat too quickly I am nauseous. If I wait too long to take my anti nausea pill I am nauseous. If I try to watch TV or talk to people when I am nauseous I get more nauseous. You get the idea.

I have a better handle on it today though. Not eating as fast. Taking little bites often throughout the day. Sitting up for a while after eating. Although I am getting the hang of it I feel like there is not much "feeling good" time. I am either eating to not feel nauseous or resting to not feel nauseous.

Now it is Thursday and I am pretty much back to myself. Saturday ended up being a really hard day. I did not have a good handle on the nausea. I ended up paging the doctor on Saturday night for help and he told me to take another pill. I was instructed to only take two per day but the doctor said that on my bad days that I could take up to four. I think that will help next time.

So, my week looked like this:
Wednesday - Chemo. Felt fine.
Thursday - felt fine.
Friday afternoon I started feeling nauseous.
Saturday - felt awful. I would like to forget about Saturday.
Sunday - felt like Friday which was way better than Saturday.
Monday - felt even better. Food still didn't settle well but was able to work my way up to noodles instead of crackers. Any other foods upset my stomach. I was tired and weak.
Tuesday - was the same way.
Wednesday - I was exhausted but I could finally eat whatever I wanted without upsetting my stomach. The problem was that nothing sounded good. The chemo has left a metallic taste in my mouth making everything taste off and bland.

Today is the same way. I get hungry but I don't feel like eating because so far nothing tastes good. Actually, what tastes good are either really salty or really sweet foods. I make myself eat even though I don't want to and I try to make myself eat something healthy to make up for the chemo days.

So, far my side effects have been: loss of appetite, bloody nose, night sweats and as of today hot flashes. That freaked me out. My face was bright red and I felt like it was on fire. My students kept asking me why my face was so red.

My next cycle will be on Wednesday, Feb. 18th. They say I will start loosing my hair a few days before then. I will be shaving my head in one week so that the hair loss will not be too drastic.

Thanks for reading.

Judy

Second expansion

This past Monday I went in for my second breast expansion. It was super quick. I am about half way there! The more they fill it the more tender it gets. It is funny to see the results immediately. I get to watch it grow before my eyes. My next expansion will be in two weeks.

Judy

My first Chemo treatment!

Yikes. I don't recall being this nervous in a long time. I was nervous and scared about not knowing what was to come. I was thinking the other day about how I liked having a schedule and knowing what my days were going to look like ie: wake up, play with Daphne, go to work, etc.


Today on the other hand was different. At 10:30am I met with the Oncologist to ask some final questions and get a little bit more info. I asked him what the percentage was of recurrence of breast cancer once Chemo is done. He said 25%. With Chemo that percentage goes to 20%. After taking Tamoxifen for five years he said that we can talk about "throwing me into early menopause" to decrease my risk of getting breast cancer again.


After meeting with him I went to the back of the office to have my labs done. I realized today that I really do not like being poked with needles. They drew my blood and in less than five minutes had the results. They tested my blood counts. The doc said they were good. I found out that I will NOT have to go back weekly to do labs. I will do labs before each Chemo treatment. I was very pleased with this info!


From there I walked over to Ambulatory Care. It was one large room with lots of mini rooms divided by curtains. Very noisy! My plan was to sleep the whole time but there was lots of people coming and going and lots of tv noises from the other mini rooms. You could even hear the doctor talking to the patient in the next mini room and the nurses gabbing away across from the mini rooms.



Chemo took forever today! I guess the Pharmacy can not start mixing the Chemo until the doctor signs off on it and he can only do that once he sees the lab results. So, I sat around with an IV in my hand for three hours waiting for the Pharmacy to mix the Chemo. Since I was nervous this really bothered me. And I guess it bothered me because my appointment was at 11:30 and they didn't start the Chemo until 2:30pm! I was done by 4:30pm.

The only side effects I am feeling so far are: Metallic taste in my mouth and my feet feel a little bit swollen. The nurses told me to take my anti nausea meds starting tonight to be on the safe side. About five of them stood around my mini room telling me how important this was...so I will take their advice! They also reminded me to complain, complain, complain. I have been become very good at this over the last three months and promised them that I would continue.



The best part of the day was my box lunch! The steroids make me hungry. I ordered a grilled cheese sandwich, tomato soup, milk and vanilla pudding. They surprised me with a diet coke, too. Very exciting. Yes. I still love hospital food.



My next Chemo date is set for Wednesday, Feb. 18th at 10am. I am going to request that they do the labs first so that the doc. can sign off on it so that the Pharmacy can start mixing away so that I don't have to wait three hours again!



Thanks for reading.

Love,



Judy

Chemo is set

My 1st round of chemo is set for Wednesday, Jan. 28th at 11:30am. Ugh. I meet with the Oncologist at 10:30am that morning then get chemo after that.

I will take steroids Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday to protect against allergic reaction to the chemo, it will also help with the side effect of swelling of feet and hands.

The Nurse Practitioner said that usually women feel good the day of and day after Chemo, and that any symptoms they are going to have will start two to three days after Chemo. The side effects of this chemo are: swelling of the hands and feet, mouth sores, nausea (hopefully no vomiting), numbness and tingling in fingertips and toes, hair loss (which she said I will lose my hair right around the start of my second cycle of chemo), joint pain, missed cycles and decreased blood counts (white blood cells, hemoglobin & platelets). She said that a little bit of these symptoms are ok but that I should basically call them when I have more than a littler bit of any symptoms to tell them how much and how long it has been going on because they can give me a pill or shot to help with most of these symptoms.

She said the most important thing to get out of this meeting was that if my temperature is 100.5 or above to call them immediately and they would then send me to the Emergency Room, check my blood counts, start IV fluids and give me antibiotics.

Another thing she said was important was to CALL THEM. She said not to wait to see how bad any one symptom gets. She said if I try to wait to see if I can get it under control on my own then that might result in being admitted into the hospital.

The third thing she said was important was that I eat even when I don't feel like it. She said that the first week after chemo I might not feel like eating. Although they would like me to have a healthy diet she said that the first week they don't care what I eat as long as I can eat (shakes, soup, crackers, etc.).

I will come in weekly to get labs done to check my blood counts and make sure they are good.

I keep telling these Doctors and Nurses that this Chemo and cancer business doesn't fit into my schedule but they are making me move forward anyway. It's hard to think of this as a bump in the road (as my doctor and other survivors keep telling me) when it consumes and halts my whole life right now. When I can, I try to take a step back and realize how lucky I am to have discovered this when I did. My general surgeon said that many doctors if they did not feel the lump would have said to come back in six months (he said he did not agree with this but he said some doctors would say that). Which reminds me. I still need to send that doctor at Howard Brown a card!

More to come in the near future. Thanks for reading and for the continued love and support. It means the world to me.

Judy

Daphne is so sweet

So, Friday night while I was trying to get Daphne to bed for 45 minutes she was in and out of bed every few minutes. I was sleepy and ready for bed myself. She couldn't relax. Even when she was laying down she was squirming. While laying down she ended up bumping her head lightly (but since she has had a cold all week this was very sad to her and she cried about it). She said, "Daphne hurt (gesturing to her head). Mommy kiss it." So I gave her lots of kisses on her head then she pushed me away a little bit and said, "Mommy hurt (gesturing to my surgical breast). Daphne kiss it." Then she leaned over and kissed it. It was very sweet. She had such a proud look on her face. I thanked her and told her that she was helping to make it all better and she was smiling so big. She said, "Daphne helps Mommy." and I told her that she was very sweet and that she helps Mommy a lot. Then she went on to name everyone who helps Mommy.

Heather and I were both in the bathroom during Daphne's bath on Saturday and when I was telling Heather this story Daphne was just beaming listening to it.

Genetic Testing Results

Great News! Judy got her genetic testing results back today . . . she tested negative for the breast cancer gene. No mutation was found which means that she does not carry the breast cancer gene. So her cancer was as Judy says "just a fluke and I get to keep my other breast and my ovaries" . . . she is obviously very excited!!

MISCELLANEOUS UPDATES FROM MOM AND JUDY

Since last update, Judy has been back to the General Surgeon, Plastic Surgeon, Oncologist, Genetic Counselor, back to school with Daphne as an observer, and started back to work.

At the General Surgeon's, staples were removed (he actually used a staple remover). She doesn't return there for 3 months (told Dr W. that she will miss him, he told her that he's not going anywhere and that she knows where to find him). He told her that she could start her arm exercises now. Although they are painful she is very happy with the results from doing the exercises and notices more movement in her arm each day!

At the Plastic Surgeon's she had her tissue expander expanded with 60cc of saline (that's 210cc of the required 450cc until the tissue expander is fully expanded and ready for replacement with the actual implant). She returns there every two weeks for more expansion. This didn't hurt the day of but the following day her skin felt tight and bruised. The doctor uses a magnet to locate the metallic port under her skin into which he injects the saline. Such high tech equipment (magnets, staple removers, Geiger counters)!

As far as the genetic testing, I'm not sure where that stands, apparently they still have her blood sample which was drawn earlier, they are just doing a re-check with the insurance company to come up with the amount of deposit required before they run the test. We do not expect to have results from this test for about a month.

At the Oncologists, he discussed 3 different options for chemo and based on his recommendation, she selected a protocol called TC (Taxotere & Cytoxan). She will require 4 treatments, each one will be 3 weeks apart. Side effects of chemo are hair loss, fatigue, decreased blood counts which will place her at risk of infection (so she will need to avoid sick contacts), fatigue, nausea & vomiting. TC causes less nausea & vomiting than the other 2 options. She will be given medications prior to chemo to prevent nausea & afterwards will be given a prescription for medication to decrease it if it occurs. The rationale for chemo is as a precautionary measure to destroy any microscopic cancer cells which might have escaped into the blood stream or into any lymph nodes which were not removed. After chemo she will be on an oral medication called Tamoxiphen for 5 years. This is the medication which blocks estrogen from binding to any remaining cancer cells & prevents further growth. She will require follow up visits to the Oncologist every 3 months for 2 years. She meets Thursday 1/ 22 with the Nurse Practitioner at the Oncologists office for chemo education, planning, scheduling, etc. Chemo will likely start the following week.

At Daphne's school, Judy will continue as an observer for the rest of January and hopefully will be back as a full fledged participant in February.

Her first day back to work teaching an improv class at Second City was on 1/10 and was more than she had bargained for. She had over estimated her readiness and was overwhelmed with fatigue, pain and nausea. She ended up telling her class what was going on (this was a new class). She did make it through the class; they were very supportive and actually applauded her at the end of class.

Her second work day, also another new improv class at Second City was on 1/14 and was a much better experience. She felt much stronger and much more ready to be back at work. She still tires quickly and she struggles with pain issues, some from the tissue expanders, but mostly nerve pain above her elbow in her right arm to her right shoulder blade. Apparently when they do the axillary node dissection they dissect a nerve in your arm , leaving you with numbness and nerve pain that feels like burning. She has been told that this will eventually decrease and that she will get used to it, but no one has said how long "eventually" is. So, as a result it bothers to have anything touching her arm or upper back.

(This is Judy now...the stuff above is from my mom)... With all of this I have gotten back on the positive side. I had a really rough week last week where I was really angry and frustrated and sad and could not sleep. Most nights I was up until at least four am and one time seven. After sharing this with the Breast Care Specialist who is a close family friend and also works with my mom at the hospital, she said that this was completely normal. She said she would be worried about me if I wasn't feeling this way. Then when I contacted Mary Jane from Gilda's club (who is wonderful btw) and told her my frustrations I apologized for being a bummer and she said that I did not sound like I was a bummer. I sound like I have cancer. So, it was refreshing to hear that from those two. I do plan on going to meetings and support groups in the near future. The breast care specialist said that many women end up going at the end of their treatment due to the fact that they are so busy with doctor appointments and recovering. So, that also made me feel better because I was wondering if I was doing what I was supposed to be doing.

Being able to spend more time with Daphne has been wonderful for my recovery. I miss her so much when I am at my parents recovering. I have been able to drive so that means more time in the city and much more time visiting Daphne. I get worn out so quickly though. She has gotten used to me taking a three hour nap after just one or two hours of playing. Sometimes she suggests a nap for me and shows me where I should nap.

Teaching and getting back to life has been a wonderful feeling, too.

I am getting more independent! I can tie my own shoes now and can put on some shirts by myself if they are baggy enough.

Ok. Time to go dance with Daphne (which means I hold Daphne with one arm and use our maracas to shake and to sing into them like a microphone and watch ourselves in the mirror. Very fun). My left arm should be really buff from picking her up with just one arm!

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for the love and support. I really can't express enough how much it means to me. Love to you.

Judy (and Judy's mom)

My wonderful Second City Family

For those of you who don't know, I've been working at Second City since I was 16 (which happens to be more than half my life). From the classes to the teachers to the employees to the actors I owe a lot of who I am to this wonderful group of people, my second family. Knowing my financial situation, Kelly Leonard, Vice President Second City, President Second City Theatricals and Andrew Alexander, Proprietor, Executive Producer informed me of the Second City Alumni Fund and suggested I apply to be a recipient of assistance from this fund. I applied in the form of a letter letting them know the estimate of my out of pocket (non-reimbursed by insurance) medical costs for 2008-2009.

The Alumni Fund sprang into existence last year when a crew member of SCTV was diagnosed with Cancer and was unable to work. Eugene Levy and Martin Short wanted to help out and contacted Andrew to see what Second City could do in terms of a live benefit. On May 7th of last year Second City held a 2 night benefit in Toronto where Second City alumnus Eugene Levy, Martin Short, Catherine O'Hara, Andrea Martin, Colin Mochrie, Deb McGrath, Robin Duke, Jayne Eastwood, and Teresa Pavlineck performed and raised a lot of money. The Second City Alumni Fund was born.

A few days before my first surgery, I received a phone call from Andrew telling me that I was to be a recipient of the Alumni Fund. As a recipient, I have received a most generous gift which will cover most of my out of pocket medical costs. I was overwhelmed by their generosity. My end of the phone conversation consisted of "Wow!" "Really?" and "Oh my gosh!" repeatedly and repeatedly. This phone call came in the midst of my being upset from having had to cancel the genetic testing due to lack of the $1600 advance payment required (I am now rescheduling it).

I just wanted to share this wonderful news and the generous spirit of Second City. Now, go spend your money at Second City (They didn't tell me to say that)!

Happy New Year!
Judy

GREAT NEWS!

Final pathology report today shows no cancer cells in any of the additional 16 lymph nodes removed! So those cancer cells went no further than a microscopic invasion into that first lymph node (and that node no longer exists). Judy saw her surgeon today & he said that as far as an indicator of prognosis goes, this is the same as if there was no lymph node involvement at all (and that is VERY GOOD!) She had her drain removed. She will get to start exercising and moving her arm on Monday 1/12th. She has a follow up appointment with the surgeon on the 12th and an appointment with the plastic surgeon to have her first expansion of her tissue expander with 30-60cc saline (depending on what she is able to tolerate). Her next step will be to call the Oncologist to make an appointment to see him to talk about the plan for chemo. It is SO good to be able to share some good news!

2nd Surgery Update

Surgery went well . . . we are waiting for her to be brought up to her room. She is in a bit more pain waking up this time than the last surgery but asking for food already. She said to make sure that we mentioned that she was successful in sneaking a pair of her own socks on underneath the uncomfortable hospital socks this time . . . and it felt great!! She will be going home tomorrow and should have the results of the pathology report back by Tuesday afternoon.

Here we go again! and other random thoughts

My hospital bag is packed. Does this sound familiar. This time I packed mostly the same things minus the books. Who am I kidding? The magazines and the crossword book are mostly for visitors. I imagine that like last time I will mostly sleep...and if the Bulls game is on watch that while drifting in and out.

My New Years resolution is to ask for help. I am noticing a theme in my e-mails and blog comments. People offering to help and reminding me that I am not alone. I am not good at asking for help. For example, when I went to the Chiropractor last week for some stretching and therapy I was in too much pain to tie my shoes and put on my coat by myself when I was leaving and I looked around and everyone looked busy and I didn't want to bother them or admit that I needed help so I walked out with shoes untied, carrying my coat. I later laughed about this because anyone of the the staff members there would have helped me in a second if I would have asked. They would have even carried me to the car if that is what I needed. So, with that said I am going to ask for help and let people show me that I am not alone.

I haven't been writing lately because when I think about writing it is usually around one or two in the morning and those thoughts are best kept for my journal. I am doing great though - physically. The exercises are helping a huge amount. I feel like I can move my arm about 60%. I can put on a shirt by myself. It looks funny. With lots of pausing and breathing but I can do it and that give me more independence and I like that. Emotionally it depends on the day and time of day. All I can say is that it is like a rollar coaster. I am mostly on the fun part of a rollar coaster. I guess that was a bad anology because I hate rollar coasters. I have never been on one because they terrify me. Well, maybe that was a good analogy then.

I am more angry about this surgery. I am not nervous - yet. I was able to sleep last night unlike last time. When I woke up it was more like, "Here we go again."

By the way, I packed ankle socks to wear under my hospital socks. I told everyone that I was going to do that the next time but I just thought I was being funny because I didn't think there was going to be a next time.

So, here we go again and like last time though (no matter how frustrated or scared) the last thing I will do before the anesthesia kicks in is - I will take my surgeons hand and look up at the ceiling and look at the tile that looks like a hundred different smiling faces and think about all of you being with me through my surgery.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Judy